Nightline Tonight: Cow Farts Cause Global Warming!

File this one under “ You couldn’t make this crap up if we tried.” After all the endless moaning and wailing by environmentalists that humans are mucking up the environment and causing the worst warming trend in history, a new study shows that cow crap and cow farts are far more to blame...

In fact, the United Nations Food & Agricultural Association claims that the world’s 1.5 billion cows are worse then all the cars, planes, and all other forms of transportation PUT TOGETHER. Apparently, cows are so dangerous because their “emissions” contain methane gas—a substance thought to heat the atmosphere twenty times more than the carbon dioxide that usually gets all of the press. On Wisconsin!

Cows are believed to account for one third of all the world’s methane emissions, and therefore the tasty beef-supplying critters are responsible for all the most heinous crimes against the environment: acid rain, desertification, and, of course, the destruction of coral reefs.

I guess we can all look for livestock to be appearing on America's Most Wanted sometime soon—or at the very least, expect cow-farts to be subject the strictest governmental regulations while cow poop may be outlawed entirely. Surprisingly, the cows here in Wisconsin themselves have nothing to say in their defense, other than “Mooo @#%! .”